Mirror

I've realized lately that I am a much better person on the days when I don't look into the mirror. I'm much less plagued by vain curiosities and have a greater tendency to just be me.

I've been learning a lot lately--about myself and about Christ. The vulnerability of being in an environment that I'm completely unaccustomed to and realizing afresh that we marry those who are opposite of us have revealed with painful accuracy my faults. My sins, I should say. Faults make it sound like I stumble into them, when in fact they are often calculated moves, if I'm being honest. To quote a friend, my brain is "3/4 a wild zoo of bad, mad, sad animals" (ref. James 3:11-16. And every person you've ever met). I suppose, in this light, a figurative mirror would plague me as much as my actual one. A pimple or wide nose is no match for hate-filled tendencies. Again, I would much rather not look into a mirror.

And yet, that is what I have been doing a lot of this past month. My husband, a wise counselor, and Romans 2-3 have been my mirror. Through these the Law has crushed me (I will never be able to uphold it); and through the crushing of the Law, the grace of Christ has become more evident than ever. Earlier this month, my wise counselor actually shared with me the good news that I am loved by Christ. Sure I've heard it before, but it felt new. It was beautiful and it made me cry. For days, in fact.

With this new perspective, being baptized when I wash my face each morning and looking at myself in the mirror presents a paradox. I am a slave to my flesh and yet am filled with His Spirit. My flesh will haunt me until the day it is restored. I will continue to do the things that I hate and refuse to do the things that I love. His mercies really are new every morning.

Seeing the grace of Christ in light of my fleshly state is overwhelming, heartbreaking and full of hope. I won't avoid looking in the mirror so much; the first few moments of nasty realizations are worth it.

In fact, I'm beginning to find what I see pretty breathtaking.